Feeding The Cynic
EDIT: The names are fake, and sorry about my language. I just feel really strongly about this…
I am disgusted. Furious. No… I was furious yesterday, but now I am very hurt. I knew I couldn’t trust humans.
Grade 10s and 11s are going on a France and Spain trip in 2010, a school trip. A few months ago, my “friend” (Cir) told me that we could be in a group together with two other friends. By group, I mean the people you stay with in the hotels. Of course being out and around France and Spain will be exciting, but being with your friends in the hotels would be a great contribution to the fun. Once you return to your hotel rooms, it’s unlikely you’ll just go straight to bed with your friends. Fun and funny things always happen. Games, truth or dare, talking, pictures, and other random things.
When my so called friend (Cir) first told me I could group with her, I was skeptical. I knew she only asked me because she’d rather have me in the group than some other girl. Yesterday, we had another meeting about the trip where we got the forms and more information. This time Ayl, a friend of Cir’s, was at the meeting. We were only having four people in our group, and Ayl was NOT going before.
I KNEW I was going to get kicked out so Ayl could take my place instead. I was trying to prepare myself, trying to think of what to think or say when the time would come to confront me. I didn’t think it’d happen so soon, but it happened a few minutes later… Cir came up to me with another group member, and asked me something like this, “Are you sure you’re going…?” I knew what was coming next.
I already started freaking shaking, and stuttered out “I don’t know.” Of course I knew.
Then came the worst fucking line.
“Well, I kind of want to be with Dar, Lar, and Ayl.”
I think I was starting to get quite anxious cause my eyes started to get watery, and I kinda started to get panicky. Then I told her that I was probably going to go, because I probably will. I don’t really remember what happened after that…
When that happened, I was at the library studying. I couldn’t even concentrate on studying… I was just trying not to cry. It really hurt…
What made it even worse is that I really do not like Ayl, and Cir knew that. Yet she still has the nerve to tell me that she’s replacing me with Ayl.
I haven’t spoken with Cir since, and I sit beside her in History. We have been friends since about grade 3, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt so betrayed by her. She’s only gotten worse over the years. She always acts like I’m an embarrassment, or like my feelings don’t matter.
I’m ready to move on now… Without her. This event proved her nonexistent loyalty towards me.
Agh, this blog seems so disorganization. I am just so disgusted of humans right now. What a selfish, rude thing to do… Kick me out so she could have more fun.
It hurts…
A lot…
My hope for ever meeting a decent human being… Gone, or nearly gone.
This is something I cannot forgive. It was no accident. Not even close.
“This is why you should never, ever get your hopes up. This is why you should see the glass as half empty. So when the whole thing spills, you aren’t as devastated.” -Emily Giffin
I was pessimistic about the grouping. I knew I was probably going to get kicked out eventually.. Yet it still hurts more than I ever expected. It reminds me of the time in grade 8 when we went on a trip to Quebec. It was pretty much with the same people too… I was the one who got kicked out. Thinking of that makes it hurt even more. It happened twice…
I’m feeling quite a hatred for humans… I’m going into my antisocial shell…
Ashamed of My Feelings
It’s nothing new. I write a poem, song, diary, blog, or something when in the moment, and later a look back and go, “That’s awkward,” (while cringing). It has happened so many times, I can’t deny that the feelings I’ve felt never existed. Sometimes even thinking back to the feelings I’ve felt at a certain time is awkward.
That’s an aspect of blogging I dislike. Every time I come onto my site, I have to see my emotional and awkward blogs. Then I feel like hiding them or deleting them. I remember going through my diaries from when I was young and ripping out all the pages I didn’t like a few years later. Most of the pages had to do with anger and/or sadness. Now I sort of regret ripping out all the “bad” pages, because those pages had honest feelings/thoughts/events. In a way, ripping out those pages is like denying parts of my past.
So I try not to delete my blog entries now. Who knows, maybe I’ll print some of my entries one day for future keeping. Blogging for me is kind of like writing a public, online diary. Only kind of. I would probably be more open in a real diary.
I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot… I feel lost from not keeping up with my friends, affiliates, and visitors. It’s not exam time, but I have been quite busy with school - not to mention a new pet. I got a bunny - his name is Draiky (yes he’s named after a Neopet *cough*). 
I got him for $10 last Saturday, and he’s just adorable (and friendly)! The previous owner said told me that he’s 8 months to a year old. I don’t think she cared for him much, because his back claws are way overgrown. Let’s just say they are long enough for me to be like O___O. I will have to cut them soon.
Since my last blog, I think I’ve gotten a bit better, but still nowhere close to ‘happy’.
Blah, I want to ramble, and ramble on.
I don’t think I will be able to come on regularly for a while. School comes first for me!
P.S. Regarding my last blog, I only guessed the girl self-injured, because she had several uniform scratches/cuts on her left wrist. Just her left wrist too… And she’s right-handed. It’s not like she just had a random cut or two on her wrist. I am sometimes often overly analytical to the point where I seem creepy. o_o;
